One More For The Road

Originally Published 03/14/2011 06:11:19 AM

Schlitz
Photo Source: Jessica Beebe

It wasn’t a big deal, just another Saturday night at the 20/10 Club. They called it the Hindsite, ‘cause 20/10 was hindsite, or some shit like that. Anyways, we was sittin’ at the bar drinkin’ Schlitz and ‘gansetts and fuckin’ off like always. Playin’ darts ‘n shit. When all of a sudden a fuckin’ guy looks like an accountant or something comes in.

Fuckin’ guy was wearin’ a suit, overcoat and hat, so he stood out soon as he come in. Ya know? An’ get this: the guy orders a fuckin’ Martini! Can you imagine that shit?!? A fuckin’ Martini! Did ya notice where you was at, guy?!?

So The Accountant sits at the bar, looking like he was about to fart or puke or somethin’. And me an’ Sully, we’re tryin’ to hold our laughs in. And it ain’t easy, with this fuckin’ character in the joint, ya know? Sure, we had loaded up the machine with nickles, so it was loud as shit in there, but still, the guy’s fuckin’ SITTin’ right there.

We’re bettin’ on what kinda car he’s got outside under our breaths: fuckin’ Cadillac, probably, right? So it goes on like that for a whiles, and then…

Seriously, you ain’t gonna beLIEVE this shit! Fuckin’ guy asks if he can use the phone cause he’s gotta call his wife and tell him he’s fuckin’ lost here in this town! Like his car broke down or some shit like that. Like the bar is a fuckin’ TELEphone booth, right? Ya’know? So he asks Doobie behind the bar if he can use the phone.

And Doobie was already pissed off at this character, ordering a fuckin’ marTINI like a little pixie, right? So Doobie tells the guy there ain’t no phone. The bar phone is fuckin’ SITting in plain view by the cash register, but Doobie says there ain’t no phone.

And The Accountant, he ain’t too happy with that answer, right?!? So he raises a stink about that. Like, “There is a phone right behind you, Sir! I’m a paying customer! I’m lost! I need to use the phone!” and shit. Blah, blah, blah.

And me an’ Sully, we’s already had a few ‘gansetts, right? So WE ain’t too happy with HIS answer. So I stand up an’ say “Ya gota fuckin’ PROBlem with there not being a phone in here?!?” Maybe we ought to find you a phone outSIDE!”

And The Accountant, he says he ain’t got no problem, he just wants to get out of here and go home. Like he’s all fuckin’ mighty and ready to leave us poor trash behind, right? So his answer pisses me off and I club the motherfucker ‘cross the head with my pool cue, right?

And The Accountant falls in a fuckin’ heap, like he’s a sack’a potatoes or somethin’, an’ he starts CRYin’, like a little fuckin’ GIRL and whining how he’s gonna get a lawyer an’ shit. An’ he’s gonna SUE me and fuckin’ Doobie for pain and distress an’ shit.

Ya believe that shit? Big shot Accountant fuckin’ pissing his pants like that? Ova a slap? Shoulda seen what we could of REALLY done to that fuckin’ guy!

So by this time Doobie’s had fuckin’ enough, right? So he PICKS UP the Accountant by his belt hooks and fuckin’ THROWS the guy out on the SIDEwalk! The Accountant is lying on in a snowbank crying and bleeding, and the snow is getting more and more red. And here’s the best part! And Doobie steps back into the bar, fixes up another Martini, comes out and fuckin’ THROWS it at The Accountant and yells “Here’s one more for the road!”

We ain’t seen the guy since. Can ya imagine that?

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