North Pole, 12/24: Eighty Days? Hah! Try Around the World in 24 Hours, Jules Verne! You couldn’t handle that! The fat man has us lined up, and we’re ready to go. It’s a major grind, but it’s only once a year. Besides, have you ever been to the North Pole? Seriously, I haven’t seen the sun since September. Dragsville, babe. So we get to get out, plenty of fresh air and exercise, get to see the world…oh yeah, and peace on earth and presents and all that happy-dappy crap. It’s not a bad gig, really.
0 Longitude: Well, that was a rough takeoff! SOMEbody…and I’m not naming any names here…DANCER…put on a few pounds over the summer! Way to be a team player, chum…p.
Over the Urals: Somebody asked me recently if I resent Rudolph. Y’know, since we never let him join in our reindeer games before he got all the glory just for having the genetic quirk of a glowing red honk. They wanted to know if I get jealous because I used to be the first reindeer mentioned. What a dumbass question! Of COURSE I resent the little bastard! I couldn’t say that, of course, but you’re damn right! I mean, what the hell am I, other than second in command?
Middle East: Man, you really get a good look at the world at this reindeer eye view. It’s too dark to see much (even with Rudolph the Golden Boy guiding our sleigh tonight), but you don’t need to be on the ground to feel the geopolitical tilt ‘round here. Of course we’re bypassing most of Sunni/Shia land, but still: an interesting look at the other side…
Italy: Ground Zero of the Eurozone Debt Crisis, woo hoo! Nice job, Berlusconi. You’ll be buying your hookers in Lira again soon!
North Atlantic: Nice one, Rudolph. Jesus, what crawled up your ass and died? And it’s LINGERING! Balls!
Manhattan: Nice light haul through the Isle of Manahatta! Mostly envelopes with checks. Maybe next year it’ll be envelopes with indictments…
Appalachia: Well, that was easy. A 2 Liter of Mountain Dew and a pack of Slim Jims for all! And to all a good night!
Texas: Oops! Just made it “rain” on the plains. Oh well…they needed it.
Ontario: We’re getting a nice tailwind up here, which is good, because that hastens our exit from this godforsaken second world. Canadian Bacon? Please, it’s HAM!!! Maple-sucking hosers. (I KEEED, of course! We love you, Canada! Eh?)
Brazil: South Ahhhhhhmerica, baba-loo, baba-loo, baba-loo-ayyy-ayyy! Man, I love this stretch. Warm and festive! I could see myself retiring here.
South Pacific: “A star, a star, shining in the night with a tail as big as a kite.” Really? Do you have any idea how large a star is? Kites, in comparison, are actually quite small. Dumbass lyric, that.
Aleutian Islands: Finally on the home stretch. Sometimes even I’d rather be home watching It’s a Wonderful Life. Sure, I can fire it up on the Blue-Ray anytime, but it would be nice to just have a “normal” Christmas Eve, ya know? Maybe I’ll take early retirement. Or maybe I’ll just go Barry Bonds and take some ‘roids, see if it’ll make MY nose glow. Not that I’m bitter, or anything…
North Pole, 12/25: Home again, home again. Time for some 12-year-old single malt and a nap, gaddamnit. The sun will rise again in March. Seeya then…