Originally Published 11/09/2011
Photo Source: Christopher Anderson
Jesus, why is it always so much FUCKing harder to get a cab when it’s raining? And the only thing you want in the world is to go home and hide?
Well, almost the only thing. Shit. Shit, Shit, SHIT. Why?!? Why do I keep fucking up? WHY DO I KEEP BLOWING IT?!?
Black sheets of rain. Rain and black. BLACK. Five cabs in a row passing by, splashing waves of noxious water and sodden leaves. Perfect.
THERE’S my nightcap! Not gonna get one with her tonight, me and my big FUCKing mouth. Christ. Everything was going great, and then BAM, I had to blow it. Like always. All the talents in the world and I had to get the talent for saying something fucking STUPID.
And where’s the kind of cab that STOPS?!?
I’ll never hear from her again. And I’ll blow it again the next time, with the next girl, and the next time with the next girl because I can’t stop saying stupid shit at the WORST time. I just…I don’t mean it! I’m a good guy! I just don’t know how everybody else in the world knows how to be CONFIDENT enough to not TRY TO HARD. SHE WAS INTERESTED! And I had to try too hard and I BLEW it! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!!!
A pile of dried maple leaves had collected under an awning, all looking like puzzle pieces lying about on the sidewalk, ready to be put together.
Why do I do it to myself? Why do I always feel like an unconnected puzzle piece? Never to fit in. Why do I continually live this self-fulfilling prophecy?
Why can’t I just get a cab to STOP, go home and never try again? It’s so much easier. Keep the circle small…just my closest family, occasionally, maybe one or two friends who “get” me…no maintenance, no hurt…
No connection…NO HURT…